Coach: Okay, people, they’re psyching you out – let’s not be so defensive out there. Now what do we say on the court? Repeat after me: ‘I am a person. I have a right to the ball.’
Buffy: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador. Like I’m ever going to Spain anyway.
Buffy: Excuse much, rude or anything?
Andy: Jeffrey, I don’t wanna sound sexist or anything, but can I borrow her?
News Anchor: The apparent cause of death was a severe neck wound that resembled, in the words of one bystander, ‘a really gross hickey’.
Cassandra: What are the most immediate threats to the world environment right now?
Jeffrey: Um, litter?
Andy: Litter, yeah!
Nicole: Forest fires?
Kimberly: Bugs, totally.
Buffy: You guys are thrashed.
Benny: Are we?
Pike: That would explain the slurred speech. Thanks. What’s your name?
Pike: Yeah, it figures. [pause] I’m Pike. This is Benny, and I’m… I’m Pike.
Buffy: Pike isn’t a name. It’s a fish.
Pike: Man, you’re disgusting. You don’t even like her, and you’d sleep with her. What is that?
Benny: I got another news flash for ya. Another shot of this, and I’ll have sex with you.
Pike: Oh, yeah, then you’d never call me.
Merrick: I’m saying that I’ve been searching everywhere for you, Buffy.
Merrick: To bring you your birthright.
Buffy: My birthright? Is that like a trust fund or something?
Buffy: All right, let me get this straight, okay? You want me to go to the graveyard with you because I’m the Chosen One, and there are vampires?
Buffy: Does Elvis talk to you?
Benny: Lemme in, Pike, I’m hungry.
Pike: Go home, Ben.
Benny: I’m hungry!
Pike: You’re floating!
Buffy: God, what are you doing here? This is a naked place!
Merrick: You were supposed to meet me an hour ago.
Buffy: I told you that I had practice.
Merrick: And I told you to skip it.
Buffy: Listen, I think there’s been a big mistake, all right? I mean, I appreciate that there are real vampires, and that you’re on this big holy mission, but obviously somebody read their tea leaves wrong because I’m not your girl. And I don’t think I’m up to it. And just between you and me, neither do you.
Merrick: It is true you have missed years of training.
Merrick: And you are undisciplined, frivolous…
Buffy: Don’t I know it?
Merrick: Probably the most vacuous choice in my entire..
Buffy: Okay! Okay, I think we both get the point.
Merrick: Right. Then I don’t think there’s anything more for us to say.
Buffy: Guess not. Good luck and all.
Merrick: Oh, yes, there is one thing…
Buffy: [exasperated] What?
[He throws a dagger at Buffy’s head. She catches it.]
Buffy: You threw a knife at my head.
Merrick: Yes, I had to show you.
Buffy: But you threw a knife at my head!
Merrick: And you caught it. Only the Chosen One could have caught it.
Buffy: Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be the Chosen One! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing after vampires. All I want to do is to graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too exciting to a scone-head like you, but I think it’s swell. And you come along and tell me I’m a member of the Hairy Mole Club, so you can throw things at me?!
Merrick: Buffy, it was necessary.
Buffy: Last night, you knew I was sitting on a fresh grave, didn’t you?
Merrick: Yes, because I had to make you aware of the implica-…
[Buffy punches him in the face, and he goes skidding across the bench]
Buffy: Oh. Wow. I never hit anybody before.
Merrick: [holding a handkerchief to his freshly-bashed nose] Really? Well, you did it perfectly.
Buffy: I didn’t even break a nail…
Principal Murray: Well, I think we can safely say that there’s something going on with you, Buffy. Now there’s nothing to be nervous about – you’re not in any kind of trouble. Don’t think of me as Gary Murray, Administrator. No, think of me as Gary Murray, Party Guy. Happenin’ dude who can talk to the young. So tell me. It’s drugs, isn’t it? Hey, I know where you’re comin’ from. Believe me, I’ve had my drug experiences. Oh, yeah, I did a lot… well, some… acid in the ’60s. I was at a Doobie Brothers concert, and I could see the music flowing into me… flowing into me… it was bright red and electric. And I felt like I was a big toaster, you know? And I thought ‘Well, maybe I am a toaster, and we’re all molecules…’ You know, my friend Melissa, her head looked like a big party balloon, and whoo, that scared me, and… [Buffy spits a thumbtack at a fly, pinning it to the wall behind him] …and then I started to freak out…
Merrick: You must never forget the cardinal rule, Buffy: one vampire is a lot easier to kill than ten.
Buffy: Does the word ‘duh’ mean anything to you?
Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS.
Merrick: I train girls to be Slayers. I have done so for a hundred lives, and I shall continue to do so. I am born each time with the knowledge that my purpose is to prepare the Chosen One for her battle. I am not a Slayer. And I must not interfere, even if I want to. Even if I think that this time, the girl is truly exceptional.
Buffy: So what do you do? I mean, you just keep on living the same old life over and over?
Merrick: Yes. Yes, until…
Buffy: Until what? Until there aren’t any more vampires? Then what?
Merrick: Well, then maybe I’ll go to Heaven.
Buffy: Or maybe you’ll just get a job?
Merrick: Oh, a job. I would have been a wonderful boot maker.
Buffy: That is so dull. I’m going to be a buyer.
Merrick: Of what?
Buffy: I dunno. It’s just a job I heard of. Sounded pretty cool, you know? Buyer, buying, to buy… I like that.
Buffy: Merrick, I’m not gonna croak that easily. I have something that the other girls didn’t have.
Merrick: And what might that be, pray?
Buffy: My keen fashion sense.
Merrick: Oh, vampires of the world, beware.
Buffy: Merrick, you made a joke! That’s good – are you all right? Do you wanna lie down? I know it hurts the first time.
Amilyn: Kill him a lot.
Pike: Hey, you’re that weird guy.
Merrick: You’ve been hurt.
Pike: Aw, no, you know what they say… any one you can walk away from is a good…
Buffy: You know this guy?
Merrick: Well, somewhat. He’s rather fond of passing out just as I happen by.
Buffy: You doing all right? You okay?
Pike: Yeah, I’m good. Kind of miss my knees, though.
Pike: Who are you? I’m sorry, but you seem like such a flake. And I mean that in a good way, really. It’s just, you know… hey, I can keep talking until you strike me dead, or not – I prefer ‘not’…
Buffy: Things are kind of confusing.
Pike: I’ll buy that.
Nicole: They found Cassandra’s body in the hills.
Jennifer: I know, it had been there for weeks, all icky.
Kimberly: It’s awful. She still had my jacket.
Nicole: The yellow leather? You didn’t get that back from her?
Jennifer: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Andy: Ooh, gotta get some!
[He grabs Buffy’s ass, and she flips him over onto the floor, then slams him into the lockers.]
Andy: Whoa, Whoa! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I don’t actually need any right now!
Coach: Hey, you missed practice again today. I think you better sit down and think about how that made me feel.
Biker: Hey, babe, wanna get some real power between your legs?
Buffy: Yeah, I do. [decks him, takes his motorcycle]
Buffy: Hi. What are you doing here?
Pike: What am I doing here? I’m saving your butt… well, there was sort of an exchange of butts. At least I didn’t faint.
Pike: I know that guy. That is a bad guy. Can we go, please?
Lothos: You finally brought me someone real. But is she ready?
Merrick: Well, actually, she’s quite a pain in the ass.
Merrick: You do everything wrong.
Buffy: I’m sorry, I take it back…
Merrick: No, no, do it wrong. Don’t play our game.
Kimberly: Buffy, what is your sitch? You’re acting like The Thing From Another Tax Bracket. It’s too weird.
Nicole: Like, now we’re, like, stupid?
Kimberly: You know, Buffy, this doesn’t happen to be just any dance. It happens to be the last dance of our last year.
Nicole: Except for the semi-formal.
Jennifer: Oh, and the totally formal.
Kimberly: Oh, yeah.
Nicole: Oh, yeah, and the Senior Prom.
Buffy: I’m going shopping. Don’t try and stop me, okay?
Pike: I need some alan wrenches – what do you need?
Buffy: A dress.
Pike: For what?
Buffy: A dance.
Pike: Come again?
Buffy: I’m going to the senior dance.
Pike: Second word sounds like ‘dance’.
Jeffrey: I’m here with Jenny.
Buffy: I don’t get it.
Jeffrey: Come on, Buffy, you know what’s going on. It’s not working out at all. I gotta move on. I’ve got needs too. I told you about all this.
Buffy: No, you didn’t.
Jeffrey: Didn’t you get my message?
Buffy: You left me a message?
Jeffrey: You weren’t home. Like always.
Buffy: You broke up with my machine?!
Pike: Would I get my ass kicked if I asked you to dance?
Pike: You know, Buffy, you’re not like other girls.
Buffy: Yes, I am.
Amilyn: You don’t really think you can stand up to him, do you? Admit it, Buffy. Aren’t there times when you just feel… less than fresh?
Amilyn: We’re immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.
Buffy: Oh, yeah? Clap.
Lothos: You and are are one!
Buffy: One what? Cute couple? I don’t think so.
Pike: I, uh… I saved you a dance.
Buffy: You gonna ask me?
Pike: I suppose you wanna lead?
Pike: Me neither.
Buffy: This is a good thing.
Andy: They had fangs; they were biting people. They had this look in their eyes. Totally cold… animal. I think they were Young Republicans.